


i've been dreaming of a future that looks like our past

by wordsasweapons



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Family Angst, Family Fluff, Gen, i love this family so much, i'm in tears over them constantly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-04
Updated: 2015-08-04
Packaged: 2018-04-12 22:59:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4497954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordsasweapons/pseuds/wordsasweapons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You've been dreading the ticking clock, knowing with every passing second it's just one second closer to having to explain to Sarah that her entire life is about to be uprooted, but you can't keep your eyes off it. This is something you wished you would never have to do, considering the life she had before she wound up at your door. Felix had taken it pretty easily, you knew he would. He's younger, not attached enough to where he is now and he adores you, refuses to do anything to upset you. He simply nodded his head, gave you a hug and whispered into your shoulder, "You know what's best, mum."</p><p>Sarah was always a little more difficult.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i've been dreaming of a future that looks like our past

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt filling. Pre series. Siobhan is told she has to move Sarah and Felix, that she has to keep them safe. She has to tell a young Sarah that they need to leave.

_Tick, tock_  
_Tick, tock_  
_Tick, tock_

 

You've been dreading the ticking clock, knowing with every passing second it's just one second closer to having to explain to Sarah that her entire life is about to be uprooted, but you can't keep your eyes off it. This is something you wished you would never have to do, considering the life she had before she wound up at your door. Felix had taken it pretty easily, you knew he would. He's younger, not attached enough to where he is now and he adores you, refuses to do anything to upset you. He simply nodded his head, gave you a hug and whispered into your shoulder, "You know what's best, mum."

 

 

Sarah's always been a little more difficult, but you never considered that a fault, just one of her many coping mechanisms. She's guarded, and you don't blame her. It took a couple years, but she's opened up to you and accepted that being with you, and with Felix, is where she's meant to be. Sarah escaping back into herself, falling back into those ways of coping with unbearable situations, is what scares you the most about telling her.

 

 

You're still not quite sure what to think either. You got the call shortly after you sent Sarah off to school, Felix staying behind due to a fever and nasty cough. You're sitting in your usual spot at the kitchen table, a full mug of now lukewarm tea to your right. The words replaying in your head, over and over again.

 

 

"You have to get them away from here, Siobhan, it's not safe anymore."

 

You have loads of questions, of course you do. But you know you would never get the answers you want. You weren't allowed to ask why and didn't when Sarah and Felix came to you, needing safety and a home. You think even further back, you never really had motherhood in your plans, not with the life you were living. Your own mother took to only ever referring to you as a rebel. But you somehow fell into it, and took to taking in and caring for lost children like a duck takes to water. You took to having two young children under your own roof so easily you can't remember what it was like before you had those two and their laughter, their tears and everything in between filling every inch of the house. You've always been good at getting up and moving on when you needed to, but it's no longer about you, it's about Sarah and Felix. It's about your children.

The clock is still ticking.  
You take a deep breath, you let air fill your lungs and escape into the space around you.  
You know what you need to do.

 

~

 

 

You jump at the sound of the back door closing, and Sarah calling out to you, "Mum, I'm home."  
You sit up from your spot on Felix's bed, remembering you had taken him up a cup of tea and he asked you to stay and help him with a project he needed finished before going back to school. You look over at him, check that he's still asleep before quietly gathering his school supplies, standing from the bed and setting them on the chair beside his bed. You walk to the door, leaving it cracked and walk down the stairs, into the kitchen where Sarah's fixing herself a cup of tea with the water that was left. You think to yourself if there's anything you imprinted on these children, it's your love of tea.

 

 

"Fee still not feeling well?" she asks, and you simply nod your head before realizing she's still got her back turned to you.

 

 

"Fever is lower, thank god. Cough is still bad." you answer quietly. She nods, grabs the box of biscuits sitting on top of the fridge before moving to the table and sitting down. "I got an A on that test today, probably wouldn't have without your help. So thanks for that." You're not caught off guard enough to not scold her for talking with her mouth full, but her words are still surprising and a small smile tugs at the corners of your mouth. She's doing so well, she's working hard, she's come so far. Just another cruel reminder of what you have to do. You watch as she looks up at you, her brows furrowing slightly.

 

 

"You okay, mum?" she asks. You gather yourself, pull the chair out beside hers and sit down.

 

 

"We have to leave, Sarah."

 

 

That's when it all unravels and you knew it wouldn't be pleasant, or pretty, but that doesn't make it any easier. She yells, you yell, and Felix cries, because he doesn't understand why Sarah can't just understand that sometimes mothers have to make tough decisions. Your boy, wise beyond his years because of the life and reality he was forced to live at such a young age. Felix asks you constantly why his sister won't talk to you, why she only talks to him if it means she doesn't have to talk to you. It doesn't take long for you to figure out where you go next. You still have a few connections from your life before Sarah and Felix, before making meals for three, buying summer and winter clothes and holding small hands as you walk them to school. You find a place to land and you find a place to stay after that, a place you hope you can all call home and never have to worry about hiding and people who might want to hurt your family. You don't tell anyone, you just gather your children and leave. Felix never lets go of your hand, and Sarah sulks and refuses to look at you. You tell yourself over and over and you have to do anything, endure anything to protect these children, your children.

 

~ 

 

 

Felix settles in easily, he was always the more personable of the two and made friends easily. He joins the art club at school and asks you to take him to different museums on the weekends. You still have no answers to Sarah's questions about why they had to leave and with each refusal to give her the answers she wants, she acts out more and more. She gets into fights, gets herself suspended from school. She takes up smoking, a habit you quickly killed, thank god, but she continues to find any chance she can to take her anger out on you. You've been here before, though, and you just wait out the storm. It's a little over a year since the move when the storm finally passes.

 

 

It's late when you hear the footsteps coming up the stairs, you and Felix already done with dinner and off to bed. Of course one seat wasn't occupied and of course you both miss her at the table, but you have both grown used to it. You hate that, you hate that so much. She comes home most nights long after the lights in the house are all off and you've gone to sleep, or at least she thinks you have. You always wait up to make sure she does come home safely. That's why you notice the footsteps don't turn off in the direction of her room, but stop at your door. You sigh, not in the mood for another fight, not in the mood to have Felix wake up to another screaming match. So you close your eyes and turn the other way, your back facing the door. The doorknob turns, and the door creaks open before closing and soft footsteps approach your bed.

 

 

"S..." she whispers. S. That's what she calls you now. Or Mrs. S. Not mum, not since you left. One of her many ways of getting back at you, and it's the one that hurts the most. You turn over, opening your eyes and look up at her. She's shed her usual leather jacket, (the jacket that was once yours and you always wonder why she still even wears it,) and her boots abandoned by the front door (hopefully.)

 

 

"Yes, Sarah?" you answer back after the silence drags on for too long. She shifts uncomfortably, tugging at the sleeves of her sweater before sitting at the edge of your bed. You wait patiently for her to tell you what she's obviously struggling with telling you, your eyes staying locked on her.

 

 

"I'm sorry for being so angry." she mutters, head hanging and staring at her hands, avoiding looking over at you.

 

 

"I... I know that you had to give up just as much as I did, and Felix did. None of it was fair, but I only thought of myself. It was like it was before I came to you, when I only had myself. Anger and acting out, that was the only thing I could control when things around me became uncontrollable." You sit up in bed, watching her. She turns to you finally and she's got tears in her eyes.

 

 

"Sarah..."

 

 

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." she's openly sobbing now, and you reach for her, your hand covering one of the hands resting in her lap.

 

 

"Come here, chicken, come here." She looks at the hand covering hers, up at you and back at your hands before pulling the covers back and climbing into bed beside you. You wrap your arms around her and hold her close to you and she buries her face in your neck. You stay that way until her tears finally subside. You trace circles against her back with one hand, the other stroking her hair softly and it's like she's your little girl again. You think she's fallen asleep because she's quiet for a long time, before she shifts slightly and you just watch her trace her eyes over your face.

 

 

"Thank you for keeping us safe, mum." she whispers to you, a smile tugging at her lips and you give her one in return before kissing her forehead and telling her to get some sleep. She falls asleep easily beside you, and you fall asleep easily with her safe and right there with you.

 

 

Things are good, things are easier for a few years. It doesn't last, though. One day she finally leaves home and she doesn't come back. You find yourself sitting at the kitchen table, once again listening to the ticking of a clock. Only this time you have no way of knowing when she will ever come walking through that door again and make her usual cup of tea. No way of knowing when you'll watch her as she rolls her eyes and smile at you while you scold her for talking with food in her mouth. You hate the sound, but once again you can't keep your eyes off it. Tick, tock Tick, tock Tick, tock

**Author's Note:**

> i wanted to rip my own heart out writing this, that's how much this family kills me. not that i think this is any good.
> 
> but if you want, check out the song superstar - BROODS. i listened to it the whole time writing this and it's part of the reason why i'm so emotional about this family.


End file.
